jThere's something about being in the emergency room on a Saturday evening which also happens to be New Year's Eve, to give you perspective. As i sat there waiting with my daughter, who had a broken finger, i took notice of the different people around me. The man who kept wandering around from room to room, the staff asking patiently and kindly for him to take a seat until it was his turn. The young man in handcuffs who got scuffed up in a street fight of some kind, sitting quietly with his two police escorts waiting for a psych consultation. The woman who, in obvious pain, sat all alone with no one to comfort her. There were many more. Too many to list.
The thing that struck me the most was that any one of those peope who looked strung out or drunk or all alone could have been me and could still be me. I am only one drink away from becoming one of those haunted looking people.
My cravings came in waves today. I rode them out because my real life needed my full and undivided attention. i couldn't have had my little girls head in my lap, cared enough to wipe her tears, or talked to the ER nurses and doctor had i been drunk. I supposed i actually could have, but I would have done a crappy, sloppy job of it.
She was so brave, staring at me with her huge, teary eyes that trusted me so very much, that she sat there and let the Dr. wrench her little brocken finger back into place even though all she wanted to do was bolt because she was terrified.
I think i am feeling a bit like she did. I am looking to my higher power (God) and trusting that he will get me through this, even though all i want to do is bolt. i have been looking to him with weary, teary eyes and i know he will be strong for me, and because of that, i can be strong for my baby girl.
We made it through another day and another year!
i am going to bed now, before the stroke of midnight, so i can wake up tomorrow happy, wide awake and ready to face a new day and a new year.
;o)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Dear God, please take away the obsession!
I have chanted that to myself over one hundred times today so far.
I discovered God exsisted about two and a half years ago. Actually, the way i describe it to other people is "he kicked me right in the butt so i would know he was there". If he hadn't had interveined, i would more than likely be dead today. That day was about my addictions as well. For a brief moment, i almost turned my back and went to a place i could never return from.
I have heard that some people who believe in God feel like he has never "spoken" to them. I heard his words spoken through a woman that i knew as the "nice, freakishly cheerful, churchie lady" who i ran into every 4 weeks or so.
I was thinking about how after i was done my last job of the day, that i would phone the man who's number i kept in a secret place for weeks. i was going to call him and take him up on that "innocent" coffee meeting. Maybe he would tell me again how beautiful i was, and how he wished he had me, and how he had access to any drug i could ever want. He said he loved to drink and he loved to be around people who drank. He said he could give me anything at all, and all i had to do was call him.
It was all I could think about at the end of my work day. I made the decision.
Then she walked in. "hello!" she says in her chipper, cheery voice. "It's good to see you!" I'm thinking to myself in my addict head, "shut up, sit down and let's get this done so i can go and have fun"
What she said next stopped me in my tracks. "What is wrong with you? I can see something isn't right, and I am worried about you".
Those may not have been the exact words, but that was it. She knew that something bad was going down.
So, whether it was my own conscience, or the genuine caring look on her face, or God himself nudging me along, i told her.
i told her everything. What i was feeling, what i was about to do, how i realized that this could be the end of my marriage, my family, my job, my life. After i was all done, i felt so sad and ashamed.
She looked at me with understanding and no judgemtnt and said "So, what do you stand to lose?"
"everything", i said. "What do you want to do?"
Boy, did it hit me then! Holy Crap! i couldn't believe that was me about to throw it all away. Even though she had an important appointment to be at, she stayed and help me erase all traces and phone numbers and held my hand when i made that final phone call. "Don't ever try to contact me again. You are poison to me and i never want to talk to or see you again. If you do call, I will give the phone to my husband."
Click.
It was done! Wow! I felt so alive and free! It was over! i looked at her and said "Thank you so much! you just saved my life!" .
She looked my square in the eye and said, without missing a beat, "No i didn't. God did".
The feeling in my body. heart, and soul, every square inch of me knew that what she said was absolutely true.
God had fianally made contact.
Here i sit 2 and a half years later and i am thankful to know that my God is there.
Before i go to bed tonight, i am sure that i will chant at least a hundred more times "Dear God, please take away the obsession!"
Amen.
I discovered God exsisted about two and a half years ago. Actually, the way i describe it to other people is "he kicked me right in the butt so i would know he was there". If he hadn't had interveined, i would more than likely be dead today. That day was about my addictions as well. For a brief moment, i almost turned my back and went to a place i could never return from.
I have heard that some people who believe in God feel like he has never "spoken" to them. I heard his words spoken through a woman that i knew as the "nice, freakishly cheerful, churchie lady" who i ran into every 4 weeks or so.
I was thinking about how after i was done my last job of the day, that i would phone the man who's number i kept in a secret place for weeks. i was going to call him and take him up on that "innocent" coffee meeting. Maybe he would tell me again how beautiful i was, and how he wished he had me, and how he had access to any drug i could ever want. He said he loved to drink and he loved to be around people who drank. He said he could give me anything at all, and all i had to do was call him.
It was all I could think about at the end of my work day. I made the decision.
Then she walked in. "hello!" she says in her chipper, cheery voice. "It's good to see you!" I'm thinking to myself in my addict head, "shut up, sit down and let's get this done so i can go and have fun"
What she said next stopped me in my tracks. "What is wrong with you? I can see something isn't right, and I am worried about you".
Those may not have been the exact words, but that was it. She knew that something bad was going down.
So, whether it was my own conscience, or the genuine caring look on her face, or God himself nudging me along, i told her.
i told her everything. What i was feeling, what i was about to do, how i realized that this could be the end of my marriage, my family, my job, my life. After i was all done, i felt so sad and ashamed.
She looked at me with understanding and no judgemtnt and said "So, what do you stand to lose?"
"everything", i said. "What do you want to do?"
Boy, did it hit me then! Holy Crap! i couldn't believe that was me about to throw it all away. Even though she had an important appointment to be at, she stayed and help me erase all traces and phone numbers and held my hand when i made that final phone call. "Don't ever try to contact me again. You are poison to me and i never want to talk to or see you again. If you do call, I will give the phone to my husband."
Click.
It was done! Wow! I felt so alive and free! It was over! i looked at her and said "Thank you so much! you just saved my life!" .
She looked my square in the eye and said, without missing a beat, "No i didn't. God did".
The feeling in my body. heart, and soul, every square inch of me knew that what she said was absolutely true.
God had fianally made contact.
Here i sit 2 and a half years later and i am thankful to know that my God is there.
Before i go to bed tonight, i am sure that i will chant at least a hundred more times "Dear God, please take away the obsession!"
Amen.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
I'm not drinking! That smell must be hand sanitizer!
While out for lunch one day, with other friends and thier grandkids, my mother states that I'm quite the shopaholic! "And an alcoholic!" says my five year old daughter brightly as she looked up from her colouring.
Crickets.
I still laugh when i think of that. Here i am, six years later, and i am still an alcoholic.
i went to my first meeting tonight, in about a year and a half. i chugged the last of my vodka three hours before my meeting. I couldn't let it go to waste! Ba-dum-dum.
My best friend brought me to my meeting tonight. She asked my if i had a drink today. "Why?", i said. "It smells like alcohol" she said. "hhmmm, probably hand sanitizer." I hoped she would buy it. "Or it could be alcohol!".
I hate it that she knows me that well, but actually, i am relieved that she calls me on my crap. Good thing we were pulling up to the meeting's parking lot at that moment.
I was so worried that they would smell it on me too. What would they think of me? Gee, probably that i'm an alcoholic.
I see someone i know from the past, when i used to go to meetings. He greeted me warmly and didn't mention the sixty pounds i had gained since he had last seen me.
Whew!
It's amazing how that could be on my mind when i should be worried about how i was drinking my world down the toilet.
It's so humiliating. i hate that i am here again. A re-tread. That's what my mom and her best friend used to call those who went out to drink, then would go back to the meetings again when she was in the program.
Look mom! I'm a re-tread!!!
Well, she isn't laughing. She's super worried actually. She has strongly suggested that i go to rehab. I told her no.
This is SO not the time to sing, but it's in my head...
i did say no because we can't afford the time lost at work. The kids (well, one of them) could not stand me being gone that long. My husbands biggest argument to me was "What if you don't come out all healed? I would be too resentful of all of that time you would spend in there without the guarentee that you would be better".
So, he's not convinced. At this point, neither am i.
I suppose i will make it to tomorrow and just worry about the next 24 hours.
xo
Crickets.
I still laugh when i think of that. Here i am, six years later, and i am still an alcoholic.
i went to my first meeting tonight, in about a year and a half. i chugged the last of my vodka three hours before my meeting. I couldn't let it go to waste! Ba-dum-dum.
My best friend brought me to my meeting tonight. She asked my if i had a drink today. "Why?", i said. "It smells like alcohol" she said. "hhmmm, probably hand sanitizer." I hoped she would buy it. "Or it could be alcohol!".
I hate it that she knows me that well, but actually, i am relieved that she calls me on my crap. Good thing we were pulling up to the meeting's parking lot at that moment.
I was so worried that they would smell it on me too. What would they think of me? Gee, probably that i'm an alcoholic.
I see someone i know from the past, when i used to go to meetings. He greeted me warmly and didn't mention the sixty pounds i had gained since he had last seen me.
Whew!
It's amazing how that could be on my mind when i should be worried about how i was drinking my world down the toilet.
It's so humiliating. i hate that i am here again. A re-tread. That's what my mom and her best friend used to call those who went out to drink, then would go back to the meetings again when she was in the program.
Look mom! I'm a re-tread!!!
Well, she isn't laughing. She's super worried actually. She has strongly suggested that i go to rehab. I told her no.
This is SO not the time to sing, but it's in my head...
i did say no because we can't afford the time lost at work. The kids (well, one of them) could not stand me being gone that long. My husbands biggest argument to me was "What if you don't come out all healed? I would be too resentful of all of that time you would spend in there without the guarentee that you would be better".
So, he's not convinced. At this point, neither am i.
I suppose i will make it to tomorrow and just worry about the next 24 hours.
xo
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