the list

so far, today is a basic day. eat. so chores. have a nap (i'm addicted). phone people back. put decorations from Christmas away. stay sober.
so far, so good.

where have you been?

here it is. i went out and drank. i didn't go to a bar and pick a fight. i didn't hang out of a speeding car screeming "WWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". i didn't look for hot guy to flirt with and kiss in a dark corner. i simply went out and bought some vodka and drank it in secret. i bent over that little bottle saying "precious. my precious". actually, i didn't do that either. i bought a bottle of vodka and drank it in secret. like i used to.
Why why why???? Why did it have to win? what is wrong with me? i couldn't blog. i was SO mortified at what i had done. i was sure i had finished. how did it come up and bite me in the ass like that? seriously? why can't i just stop?
i want it to stop, i want it to stop. i want it to stop. Please God, help me! i know he can. i just to let him.

cool... i can see!

my daughter got new glasses yesterday. she went to a hockey game tonight and when she got home, she said she was amazed that she could see the names on the players' jerseys. she was just so excited! she's realizing that there are new possibilities for her now that she can see.
i feel like that when i realize i can laugh and smile and have a good time without alcohol. when i hear myself laugh, i am almost surprized that the noise coming from my body is a good sound, and not a moan or a grunt. it's a good feeling!

this morning was a slow, and difficult morning. my daughter had a doctor appt. and the last time we saw this doctor, we were in and out in half an hour. not today. an hour and 15 min later, we were out of there.  after getting her back to school, there was no time to go to the bible study meeting. i was dressed in my gym attire, so i drove there instead.
now here is where it gets weird for me. i sat outside of the gym in my car for 20 minutes having a conversation in my head "do i go in? i'm already here. i'm so tired. i forgot to bring a water. i wore the underweat that slide up my butt with too much movement. i just plain, old, don't want to do it".
i could hear a friend of mine's voice in my head cheering me on "you can do it! you will feel so good after!"
i suppose i could have turned the music up  in my car to drown out her voice, but i didn't. i fianlly dragged myself in there and did it!
yes, i was glad i did it. really glad, and they sold me a water so i wasn't even thirsty.
in the old days, i would have thought "screw it! i can drink away all the guilt feelings of not going!" but i didn't.
listening is new for me. thanks A, for the encouragement!

you aren't fooling me dumb a$$!

so, after a few really good days, today i had to check out and just go to sleep. i didn't want to eat, i didn't want to drink (well, i did want to, but knew it was not the direction i wanted to go in) and i did not want to exercise or go out in the sunshine either.
i hate it when i am like that.

Yesterday i had my best friend call and cancel my appt with my (drug and alcohol) counselor. she didn't want to do it, but i argued that my daughter was at home sick. i believe my daughter's "illness" was on the fake side, and she would have been just fine alone with her brother, but i just did not want to go and i manipulated her into doing my bidding.
I should have went.  I am pretty sure you didn't want to. The face you made at me said it all..."O,K. miss I don't need counseling because i am really happy and i hate talking about crappy stuff that will bring me down"
Sorry L, for making you do that. I love you and know you want to help me. the problem is, is that i manipulate people so suit my needs, and that is a selfish attitude. you totally have permission to kick me a$$ next time i try that.

i am very pushy and very loud. i usually get what i want with charm and a laugh.
i know that my sobriety is not a charming or funny situation, so i need to treat it serious.
Serious sucks.

I am going to a new bible study that starts up tomorrow. it's about Jonah. i have no clue who Jonah is and what his deal was. Was he the guy that got swallowed by a whale? i don't know. sounds fishy to me. Hahahahaha!
my good friend and woman pastor who baptised me (last year) is leading it, and i just love her and they way she explains things.
i love that i haven't shocked her yet. it seems like everything i have said to her thus far is not out of the realm of things she has heard from other people. i really respect her. i respect a lot of woman i have met at church and i love my new collection of female friends that can handle my personality AND my crap.

I'm still so afraid to take off the mask. i worry that people will not like me if i don't put on a show.
i say extreme things and they are out of my mouth before i can reel them in. they are usually VERY inappropriate, and usually to do with any kind of body liquids or body parts or what people DO with their body parts. 
that is probably why nobody knew i was an alcoholic. i still acted pretty much the same and talked pretty much the same as i do when i am drunk, or stone cold sober.
 i have probably hurt a lot of people by doing that, but i chose to look past confused faces. i did learn, at an intense, but extremely helpful 12 step program at my Church last year, that it is way better to ask people about what they are thinking, rather than just assume what they are thinking. my marriage benefited the work i did there. it's called Freedom Session.
Intense though.

i was told today, by a friend, that she never knew that i actually DID care what people thought of me. i always go off and say things in my head  like" Who cares if you colour your hair blue? Who cares if you wear weird clothes? Who cares if people don't approve of my talking about sex and the fact that i am an alcoholic? Who cares if your kids don't always talk in an appropriate manor or dress in clothes that have holes, or have only just one sleeve on their shirts?
i know i seem to not be uptight, but i actually am! that is something i pray for often.
"Please God, please help me to not care about so and so's opinion of me. Please stop the thoughts in my head that are toxic."
I'm pretty sure that i relapsed because i couldn't handle how i looked, like how i looked to other men, or to my friends, or just any people around me.
the reason i said that is because i lost 130 pounds. Yes, 130 pounds. That # is not a typo.
How i did I do that? i will save that story for a different day because that's a huge part of my alcoholism  and one of the biggest reasons i started drinking in the first place.

The simple things in life are what keep me from throwing in the towel. A smile from my husband. A hug from one of my kids. A client  thanking me for a cut and colour that i had done and making  her feel so much better to face the world with no roots!
I don't think my clients know just how important they are to me, and that by sharing our secrets or crying from death or turmoil in their lives, help me too. i feel connected and privileged that they trust me enough  to share very personal thoughts and moments in their lives.

Enough for now. Sorry this blog is so mish
;o)

exersice. this sh@% is pretty good!

i went with a friend to the gym this morning. going with a friend really makes a difference. knowing she was going to honk her horn at 8:50 this morning got me out of bed on time. it helps that my husband is a morning person and made sure i got up.
i did her usual routine and i liked it. so, maybe i am not as much as a loner as i thought. maybe i just always wanted to be alone so i could drink by myself and no one would know. aahhhh.
it's still early, and i have Christmas decorations to take down. Why does that have to suck so much?
well, exersice definately replaced any ideas of drinking this morning. i am going tomorrow too, with the same friend.
i am truly excited to get rid of these beefy arms. woot woot!

i want it so bad!!!!!

i put my pajamas on early to put one more road block in my way of going out and buying that bottle of vodka. i haven't gone to a meeting since last week. stupid stupid stupid.
good news is, i'm really sleepy, so i am going to go to bed. i happened to see a picture of my ex-boyfriends wife. she is SO stickin pretty. crap.
FEAR GOD.
that's the tattoo i am getting on thursday. that's my translation for "forget about what man, or the people around you think. Look to God and care about what he thinks". simple as that.
I imagine God wouldn't want me to creep on facebook pages of people i do not know and wish for 25 pounds to instantly be added to her size 4 frame or for a gigantic zit to apprear on her nose and forehead.
no, i definately think God would not approve of that at all.
i still kind of wish it though.

honeymoon phase?

i think i'm still in the honeymoon phase of being sober. i have done a crazy bunch of errands and big jobs in the last few days.
-got an appt made with car repair place from when i was rear ended on the bridge (i wasn't hurt, thank God!)
-made cookies with my daughter (i always promised but never came through)
-finally made it to the cake decorating place (bought tons of edible sparkles and flavourings )
-joined the gym, finally, and already worked out (for the first time in about 3 years)
-made a tattoo appoitment and payed a deposit (did NOT tell my husband that one. he will kill me when he sees it)
i've done a few more things, but it's just normal life stuff. my point is, is that i am happy at this moment and i want to keep the momentum going.
i am going to go for a quick workout before work, i took vitamins and i am joining a Bible study.
crazy!!!