you aren't fooling me dumb a$$!

so, after a few really good days, today i had to check out and just go to sleep. i didn't want to eat, i didn't want to drink (well, i did want to, but knew it was not the direction i wanted to go in) and i did not want to exercise or go out in the sunshine either.
i hate it when i am like that.

Yesterday i had my best friend call and cancel my appt with my (drug and alcohol) counselor. she didn't want to do it, but i argued that my daughter was at home sick. i believe my daughter's "illness" was on the fake side, and she would have been just fine alone with her brother, but i just did not want to go and i manipulated her into doing my bidding.
I should have went.  I am pretty sure you didn't want to. The face you made at me said it all..."O,K. miss I don't need counseling because i am really happy and i hate talking about crappy stuff that will bring me down"
Sorry L, for making you do that. I love you and know you want to help me. the problem is, is that i manipulate people so suit my needs, and that is a selfish attitude. you totally have permission to kick me a$$ next time i try that.

i am very pushy and very loud. i usually get what i want with charm and a laugh.
i know that my sobriety is not a charming or funny situation, so i need to treat it serious.
Serious sucks.

I am going to a new bible study that starts up tomorrow. it's about Jonah. i have no clue who Jonah is and what his deal was. Was he the guy that got swallowed by a whale? i don't know. sounds fishy to me. Hahahahaha!
my good friend and woman pastor who baptised me (last year) is leading it, and i just love her and they way she explains things.
i love that i haven't shocked her yet. it seems like everything i have said to her thus far is not out of the realm of things she has heard from other people. i really respect her. i respect a lot of woman i have met at church and i love my new collection of female friends that can handle my personality AND my crap.

I'm still so afraid to take off the mask. i worry that people will not like me if i don't put on a show.
i say extreme things and they are out of my mouth before i can reel them in. they are usually VERY inappropriate, and usually to do with any kind of body liquids or body parts or what people DO with their body parts. 
that is probably why nobody knew i was an alcoholic. i still acted pretty much the same and talked pretty much the same as i do when i am drunk, or stone cold sober.
 i have probably hurt a lot of people by doing that, but i chose to look past confused faces. i did learn, at an intense, but extremely helpful 12 step program at my Church last year, that it is way better to ask people about what they are thinking, rather than just assume what they are thinking. my marriage benefited the work i did there. it's called Freedom Session.
Intense though.

i was told today, by a friend, that she never knew that i actually DID care what people thought of me. i always go off and say things in my head  like" Who cares if you colour your hair blue? Who cares if you wear weird clothes? Who cares if people don't approve of my talking about sex and the fact that i am an alcoholic? Who cares if your kids don't always talk in an appropriate manor or dress in clothes that have holes, or have only just one sleeve on their shirts?
i know i seem to not be uptight, but i actually am! that is something i pray for often.
"Please God, please help me to not care about so and so's opinion of me. Please stop the thoughts in my head that are toxic."
I'm pretty sure that i relapsed because i couldn't handle how i looked, like how i looked to other men, or to my friends, or just any people around me.
the reason i said that is because i lost 130 pounds. Yes, 130 pounds. That # is not a typo.
How i did I do that? i will save that story for a different day because that's a huge part of my alcoholism  and one of the biggest reasons i started drinking in the first place.

The simple things in life are what keep me from throwing in the towel. A smile from my husband. A hug from one of my kids. A client  thanking me for a cut and colour that i had done and making  her feel so much better to face the world with no roots!
I don't think my clients know just how important they are to me, and that by sharing our secrets or crying from death or turmoil in their lives, help me too. i feel connected and privileged that they trust me enough  to share very personal thoughts and moments in their lives.

Enough for now. Sorry this blog is so mish
;o)